Do you remember when Mommy and I almost died in an almost car wreck? And then I was banished to the back seat with a seat belt harness? I hated it soooo much, I shook so hard every time we went somewhere that my teeth started to get loose. OK, maybe not, but I thought they did. We now have a compromise. I still have to wear my seat belt harness, but I get to sit in the front seat. Mommy checked about the dangerous airbags, and they only work if there is at least 50 pounds on the seat. Since I am only 13 and one half pounds, no problemo. 
Hey Mommy, where are we going?
Mommy: To the vet. The one you like.
Why are we going to the vet, the one I like?
Mommy: Because you have been shaking your head and flapping your ears, and I can’t find anything wrong. Your ears are as clean as a whistle, and…
How clean are whistles?
Mommy: Very clean, Xexe, just like your ears. And now you have a sore under your left ear. You know I put lavender essential oils on it for 2 days, and yesterday I used the Vet-tech Sea Salt spray, and it isn’t any better. It keeps seeping.
40 minutes later (the car ride is almost 30 minutes each way): 
Dr. Smith said the same thing you did about my ears being super dooper clean. I wish my favorite vet, Dr. Karen, had been there. Thanks for stopping the helper lady from putting that glass stick up my butt.
Mommy: I had to. I didn’t bring my earplugs.
And when Dr. Smith said he wanted me to take prednisone – whatever that is – you said, “No” again. And then you were nicer about saying no to the next medicine, and the next…
Mommy: I just suggested some other things, and he said they would work just as well for a hot spot. And I already have the sea salt spray, so we didn’t have to buy more.
But I know I saw you give them your plastic money!
Mommy: Yep. I paid $54 for them to tell me you have a hot spot and that I can just keep doing what I was already doing. *mumble, mumble*
30 minutes later: Hey Lucy, I went to see the vet lady but she wasn’t there so I saw the vet man and guess what? 
Lucy: I don’t know, Sis, what did the vet man say?
He said I am a hot spot, just like when Daddy uses his phone to get on the internet. I bet I could save Daddy a lot of money.
Lucy: Better look behind you, Xena…your tale is growing.
My tail doesn’t grow, silly Lucy Ducey. He wanted me to take medicine, but Mommy suggested I eat ice cream instead. I am still waiting for it.
Lucy: That doesn’t make any sense. I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Well, I kept my head down under Mommy’s arm most of the time, so I couldn’t hear real well. But I know she said something about a cone instead of even more medicine.
10 minutes later: Why are you doing these things to me? Where is my ice cream?
Mommy: You’re not supposed to scratch your boo boo, so I am trying a big band-aid before I have to get the cone. What ice cream?
Lucy: I don’t think you have it on her right, Mom.
I want my ice cream.
I am Xena, the Schnauzer Warrior Princess with a big cone and no ice cream.
