Do you remember when Mommy and I almost died in an almost car wreck? And then I was banished to the back seat with a seat belt harness? I hated it soooo much, I shook so hard every time we went somewhere that my teeth started to get loose. OK, maybe not, but I thought they did. We now have a compromise. I still have to wear my seat belt harness, but I get to sit in the front seat. Mommy checked about the dangerous airbags, and they only work if there is at least 50 pounds on the seat. Since I am only 13 and one half pounds, no problemo. 
Hey Mommy, where are we going?
Mommy: To the vet. The one you like.
Why are we going to the vet, the one I like?
Mommy: Because you have been shaking your head and flapping your ears, and I can’t find anything wrong. Your ears are as clean as a whistle, and…
How clean are whistles?
Mommy: Very clean, Xexe, just like your ears. And now you have a sore under your left ear. You know I put lavender essential oils on it for 2 days, and yesterday I used the Vet-tech Sea Salt spray, and it isn’t any better. It keeps seeping.
40 minutes later (the car ride is almost 30 minutes each way): 
Dr. Smith said the same thing you did about my ears being super dooper clean. I wish my favorite vet, Dr. Karen, had been there. Thanks for stopping the helper lady from putting that glass stick up my butt.
Mommy: I had to. I didn’t bring my earplugs.
And when Dr. Smith said he wanted me to take prednisone – whatever that is – you said, “No” again. And then you were nicer about saying no to the next medicine, and the next…
Mommy: I just suggested some other things, and he said they would work just as well for a hot spot. And I already have the sea salt spray, so we didn’t have to buy more.
But I know I saw you give them your plastic money!
Mommy: Yep. I paid $54 for them to tell me you have a hot spot and that I can just keep doing what I was already doing. *mumble, mumble*
30 minutes later: Hey Lucy, I went to see the vet lady but she wasn’t there so I saw the vet man and guess what? 
Lucy: I don’t know, Sis, what did the vet man say?
He said I am a hot spot, just like when Daddy uses his phone to get on the internet. I bet I could save Daddy a lot of money.
Lucy: Better look behind you, Xena…your tale is growing.
My tail doesn’t grow, silly Lucy Ducey. He wanted me to take medicine, but Mommy suggested I eat ice cream instead. I am still waiting for it.
Lucy: That doesn’t make any sense. I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Well, I kept my head down under Mommy’s arm most of the time, so I couldn’t hear real well. But I know she said something about a cone instead of even more medicine.
10 minutes later: Why are you doing these things to me? Where is my ice cream?
Mommy: You’re not supposed to scratch your boo boo, so I am trying a big band-aid before I have to get the cone. What ice cream?
Lucy: I don’t think you have it on her right, Mom.
I want my ice cream.
I am Xena, the Schnauzer Warrior Princess with a big cone and no ice cream.
Xena: Hmm, let me think. I know! You are thankful that I am so beautiful!
And that I’m beautiful, right?
I had the bestest birthday I ever had. Of course it was the only one I ever had. On the way home from work, we stopped at the Smart Pet place. After looking around, we went home with yummy treats for me.
When we got home, there were all my stuffie friends, including Ludwig, in the kitchen with bags of pressies for me. Winter bear got tired and fell asleep while he was waiting for me to get home, so he missed me opening my pressies. 
This pink bag had a lot of bouncy yellow foam balls that Mommy will throw for me. I love to play fetch with balls, and I’m even getting better at catching them with my mouth and my paws.
The flower bag had yummy flavored bones in it – I had to share one of them with Lucy. 
Mommy let us chew on them for a while before dinner, but when she saw how quickly we chewed them apart, she took them away from us and fed them to that bad old can that’s under the sink. I hate that can. It gets lots of stuff I could eat! 
She ate so fast that she made all these disgusting piggy noises (sorry, Bacon). 
We got our desserts after we finished our meal and had licked our plate and bowl clean. You can see we both dug into the yogurt first.
Here is Tiger, Rainbow Bear, Brownie Bear, and the almost dead alligator that used to be Riley’s. I thought it was all dead, then one day, when I was playing in my kennel, I found it laying across my back. I’m keeping it because the squeaker still works. Everyone is lined up nice and neat waiting to go outside to play. After I carried everyone out and laid them down in a neat line, I closed my kennel door so no one would run back inside.
Everyone ready? Tiger, turn around. OK, Mom, open the door so we can all go outside and play. Man, sometimes I feel like I am running my own daycare, just like they do at work.
Sweetheart was already napping in my bed. *yawn* (He, he, I made Mommy yawn, too. I told you we are just alike.)
This funny-looking puppy sat next to me the first night we were there. He was what Mommy calls hyper. We didn’t get to be friends.
She and her folks sat on the other side of us the first night, and from then on we always sat together during class. She tried sticking her biglongnose into my bee-hind, but she stopped once I ‘splained to her that I did not like that and don’t do it again. Do you see her front-hook halter? It’s just like Lucy’s. Mommy ‘splained to her Mom and Pop how good those are, and they got her one. They said it is like magic, te, he.
Next month 
What do you do when this kind of thing happens?
She ‘fessed up right away. They drove to a big cabin in the woods and slept late ’cause we weren’t there to get them up. Daddy cooked all their meals and made lots of good drinks that we aren’t old enough to drink. They were sweet and some even had ice cream in them.
Mommy made a dump cake for dessert and they broke their “no sugar” rule all weekend!
Her new friend read a Dr. Seuss book to her. It is called Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
She wondered if there were any big black bears in those woods.
Then he asked her to give his kinfolk his love when she goes to Rocktober Fest this year with me, Xena. Hmm, I wonder why she thinks she is going to get to go with me.
Sometimes she rests in the Mommy’s lap. 
The Mommy also keeps her safe. We all love our Xena.
Ludwig here. I have been visiting with my new friends at Xena’s home. It has become my weekend retreat.
As I was drifting off, I could still hear her woofing about the puppies who were so much bigger than her, and about the teacher who would take them away from their Mommies to demonstrate training techniques. And about how she was afraid the lady would try to take her from her Mommy, and she thought she would die of fear. Rainbow fell asleep before I did. I don’t know if Winter was awake or sleeping with his eyes open. We can all do that, you know. 
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Did you guess white wall paper? If so, you’re wrong! Ha, ha, ha. Did you guess egg shell? Yes! Mommy got some farm-fresh eggs at the farmers market over the weekend. If you guessed right, you won an all-expense paid trip to…
Is everyone ready? (Oh, I’m a bit nervous.) Here we go. All y’all can sing along if you want.
Prinzessin Xena, I didn’t expect you back so soon.
…(whispering) I was just telling Rainbow about my wunderbar visit with you and your family over the Easter holiday. Yes! That is what I was doing.
Ludwig is my boyfriend. He said I have beautiful furs.
And stay out!
