I now star in my very own video on You Tube. My Dad made the video. It is inspirational, as well as very good because, well, because I am the star.
I now star in my very own video on You Tube. My Dad made the video. It is inspirational, as well as very good because, well, because I am the star.
I still like ants. I think they are fun to catch, and don’t taste bad at all. Mommy says they are free protein, and laughs. I am outside at lunchtime with Mommy. I look to my right and don’t see any ants.
I look to my left and…wait, what’s that scurrying away from me?
I had some red cabbage with my ants for lunch.
I am Xena the Schnauzer Ant-Eating Princess
Lucy: Mom says we really went and did it this time.
Xena: Yep, but that was only after she could talk again.
Lucy: I thought I saw her head spin clear around, she was so mad.
Xena: I think she was spitting venom while her eyes rolled back.
Lucy: And fire was shooting out of her nose. That’s why I stayed up in the chair and tried to look innocent.
Xena: I just hid in the corner of my kennel until she slammed the house door and left.
Lucy: Here’s what happened. Last week we got to run outside in the front yard every day. It was so much fun!
Can you see how fast we ran? We played bitey-face, too.
Xena: It was great until Mommy got another part-time job, one where I can’t go with her. So now I only get to go on Mondays and Thursdays, and have to stay in my kennel the rest of the days when she is gone to work. That started the middle of last week, and that’s the morning this all happened…before she went for her first day at this job-without-me. She must have been mad about having to go to another job.
Lucy: Mmm, I don’t think so, Xena. I think it’s ’cause we ran off into the woods by the house instead of staying in the front yard with her. Then we didn’t come back when she called us.
Xena: No, Lucy. You ran off. I just followed you. Then there was so much to smell on the ground, I didn’t hear her calling. Mommy says us schnauzers go nose deaf.
Lucy: Whatever, Xena. The point is, we were both off in the woods where Mom could hear us but mostly not see us and she said there’s poison ivy back there, too. And she thought she was going to be late to work on her first day because we wouldn’t listen to her.
Xena: I went back to her. But then I thought I had better go get you and ran off again. It’s probably all your fault.
Lucy: Mom said we had better keep these pictures where we can see them, ’cause that’s the closest we are getting to running around loose out front again until her life on this earth is over. That was after she said some HBO words.
Xena: Look, Lucy, I can run as fast as you! I run so fast the hair on my face blows back into my eyes.
Lucy: Hmm. Maybe we can use that as an excuse. We were running so fast that we couldn’t see we weren’t in the yard anymore.
Mom: Forget it, girls. You are so totally grounded.
We are Lucy and Xena, the GroundeduntilH*llfreezesoverand-thereisnomorelifeleftonearthGirls
Hi friends. This is Lucy with another episode of Grooming with Mommy. When Bella was carried in the door, none of us were really sure if there was a dog inside all that hair.
Then she stuck out her tongue at us and Mom knew she had some tough grooming to do. Bella was here almost a year ago, and hasn’t been groomed since. Mom said she was in the same condition the first time, too – matted to the skin, nails super long, and stinky stuff stuck under her tail. Then, something like a miracle happened.
Bella: I think I’m naked.
Hey, I like how my beard tastes after getting shampooed.
I can’t wait for my Mom and Dad to see me. I hear them coming up the driveway!
Love and wiggles, Lucy
Pee Ess: Xena and I hope all you mothers out there had very Happy Mother’s Day. We love you!!
is was is my favorite person at work. I have always felt happy when she came to see me. Now she has replaced me with a dog she adopted to live with her. The dog’s name is Mallie. Me and Mallie almost got in a fight the first time she came into my office. Sure, sure, we met outside, where there’s lots of room to walk around and not feel so much “with” the other dog. When we went inside she did something really gross. She stuck her nose under my tail and sniffed my bee-hind. I jumped around to face her and growled. She wagged her tail, like, yeah, growl all you want, I still got to stick my nose up your bee-hind. I was angry. Next thing I knew, Mallie growled and jumped at me. That really scared me. After those feelings passed, I felt sad. Have I lost my Beth?
The next time Mallie came to my office, we pretty much ignored each other. And I ignored Miss Beth. I felt hurt and disappointed.
Then Miss Beth came in without Mallie and stayed for a few hours. I wondered if she sent Mallie back to wherever she found her. I felt happy and gave Miss Beth a lot of attention.
Mommy explained to me that Miss Beth had rescued Mallie from a bad place that made her have puppies over and over again. She said I should try to be more understanding and loving and to try harder to get along with her. Now I feel kinda guilty. I still don’t want Mallie here, but I know I should try harder to be her friend. I feel really conflicted.What do you do when this kind of thing happens?
I am Xena, the Confused Schnauzer (Warrior) Princess
Hi there friends. Today I present another episode of Grooming with Mom. Only this time, you won’t believe who (or what) she groomed.
It’s a tiny…
I’m outa here.
Love and wiggles, Lucy
Let me start by saying that last week Mom and I were about 1/2 second away from being killed in our car. No, I am not exaggerating. We were driving home from work on Tuesday, up a 4 lane road with a center lane for turning. Coming toward us was a sleek black car, going at least 70 mph in a 45 mph zone (per Mom). Without slowing, it moved into the turn lane and kept on coming. It barely missed the rear of our car and slammed into the side of the car right behind us. Then other cars slammed into them. Mom pulled into a gas station and called 911. I heard her say to send ambulances, too. It shook her up so much that now she gets nervous every time a car pulls into the center lane to turn. I was in the front seat with her like usual, and Mom decided right then and there that was going to change.
You may remember that when I was a very young pup Mom tried various methods of “restraining” me in the car, supposedly “for my own good.” The most (in)famous one was this:You can read about it with more pictures here. I am happy to report she got her money back.
Last week she decided that I am finally big enough to wear Lexi’s car safety harness. Not only did I have to wear a seat belt, but I had to ride in the back seat of the car.
Mom said I look so much like her precious Lexi in these pictures, it brings tears to her eyes. I said maybe she would feel better if she let me sit up front again. She said no.
I am Xena the Safe Schnauzer Warrior Princess
Mom and Dad went on a weekend vacation without us. Mom said she meant to leave Sweetheart at home with us, but that naughty bear hid in the back seat of the car behind the cooler. They’re back, and I’m going to make Sweetheart tell me where they went and what happened while they were there.She ‘fessed up right away. They drove to a big cabin in the woods and slept late ’cause we weren’t there to get them up. Daddy cooked all their meals and made lots of good drinks that we aren’t old enough to drink. They were sweet and some even had ice cream in them.
Mommy made a dump cake for dessert and they broke their “no sugar” rule all weekend!
Sweetheart visited with the bear living in the children’s room. Her new friend read a Dr. Seuss book to her. It is called Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
I don’t know how she got up so high to explore the big shelf in the living room.
Daddy had to help her get down, so she stayed with him while he took a little chair nap.
Then she went upstairs to Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom and took a little bed nap herself. She said there were three beds, and this is one was ju-u-ust right.
When she woke up, she sat at the bottom of the bed looking out the window at all the trees and listening to the noisy, bubbling creek down below. She wondered if there were any big black bears in those woods.
When she went out to check for bears she found a gnome who is related to the gnomes at Rock City. He played Sweetheart a little tune.Then he asked her to give his kinfolk his love when she goes to Rocktober Fest this year with me, Xena. Hmm, I wonder why she thinks she is going to get to go with me.Lucy: Sweetheart had a wonderful time on vacation, and she wants me to ask if you are done forcing her to ‘fess up.
Yep. I’m done. And I don’t think we should tell the folks about how much fun we had with our sitter, Miss Christy. How ’bout if we just let them feel bad that they deserted us. After all, we are a happy pack again.
Love and wiggles from Lucy and screams of joy from the schnauzer warrior princess Xena
When Xena sleeps at work, Brownie Bear and I, Ludwig guard her so no harm can come to her. Sometimes she rests in the Mommy’s lap. The Mommy also keeps her safe. We all love our Xena.
I am Ludwig.
Look what I saw Lucy doing:She’s DROOLING! Then she sucked it back up into her mouth! E-ewww.
And again, on our first time at the dog park: Ha, ha, ha, caught you, Lucy.
Lucy: Sometimes I don’t like you very much, Xena. You need to try to be nicer.
I am Xena the Schnauzer Warrior Princess with the Grossly Drooling Sister
Ludwig here. I have been visiting with my new friends at Xena’s home. It has become my weekend retreat.
Xena started going to her first puppy class last week. The Mommy bought these training treats that are as close to her raw diet as she could find. Xena seemed super excited about the treats, but not so much the class.
She told us all – and I mean all – about it. She droned on about how afraid she was of the other dogs and the huge room they were in. She hid under the chair where the Mommy was sitting and shook. She may be a schnauzer and a princess, but she sure isn’t a warrior. As I was drifting off, I could still hear her woofing about the puppies who were so much bigger than her, and about the teacher who would take them away from their Mommies to demonstrate training techniques. And about how she was afraid the lady would try to take her from her Mommy, and she thought she would die of fear. Rainbow fell asleep before I did. I don’t know if Winter was awake or sleeping with his eyes open. We can all do that, you know. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Xena: Mommy! Are you ready to go to puppy class? Are you bringing those treats with us again? Is it time to go?
I am Xena, the Schnauzer Princess Warrior!
Mommy tried to steal my rope toy, but I hung on.
I am Xena the Schnauzer Warrior Princess
Xena: Lucy and I decided to try to write something together, as co-authors. You know, like Stephen King and Dean Koontz. Yep, that’s us; I’ll be King and Lucy can have Koontzies, he, he, he.
Lucy: Xena, sometimes you just give me a headache.
Xena: Did you know Mommy went and paid to have her boobies squished? I try to do that for free for her every morning when I catch her laying on her back, but all she does is groan and turn over. Sheesh. I’ll try again tomorrow to see if she has suddenly decided she likes it. Just like she keeps putting coconut oil in my food bowl to see if I changed my mind about eating it. I bet her answer will be the same as mine.
Lucy: Maybe that’s why Mom rubbed the coconut oil all over you, since you won’t eat it.Xena: Not that it did me any good with you licking it all off of me. I couldn’t get away from you, and the folks were laughing too hard to help me.
Lucy: I heard Mom say now you know what it feels like when you lick off all the lotion she puts on her hands or legs.
Xena: Yeah, well…I like my new kennel. It’s right by the back door window so I can look outside whenever I want. And you can’t bother me or take my stuff. It’s my safe place. Lucy: You mean so you can take my stuff! I could come in there if I wanted to…I just don’t want to. *harumph* And oh yeah, I almost forgot. You go brain-dead when you’re near that kennel.
Xena: Do not, Lucy the Koontzie!
Lucy: Do too! You were playing in your kennel when Dad got home the other night and you went crazy, jumping up and down with your pogo stick legs, and screaming for him to get you out. You forgot the door was open!
Xena: Well, I…
Lucy: Oh, oh, and what about last week when the kennel door was open and you were digging at the side to try to get Brownie Bear out? All you had to do was walk in and get him!
Xena: Hey, can anyone guess what’s all over my face? Clue: I just ate lunch.It’s in my mouth, too, he, he. OK, here’s a better picture…Did you guess white wall paper? If so, you’re wrong! Ha, ha, ha. Did you guess egg shell? Yes! Mommy got some farm-fresh eggs at the farmers market over the weekend. If you guessed right, you won an all-expense paid trip to…
Lucy: Xena! Stop! You can’t promise something that you can’t deliver!
Xena: I’m not delivering, silly Lucy with Koontzies. They have to go there themselves.
Lucy: This headache is getting worse. I’m going to put on my happy face, pretend I didn’t hear that, and sing everyone a song, just like you did, Xena *whispers* only better.Is everyone ready? (Oh, I’m a bit nervous.) Here we go. All y’all can sing along if you want.
(Warning: turn down your sound)
I saw this and thought I should warn everyone who lives with a cat. Please be careful.
In case you couldn’t read what’s on this picture, I will tell you, ’cause it’s impawtant:
Bringing you dead animals: This isn’t a gift, it’s a warning.
Staring contests: If you get caught in a staring contest with a cat, do not look away. Looking away will signal to your cat that you are weak, and an attack is likely to follow.
Sprinting at light speed out of any room you enter: When your cat does this, it’s actually a failed ambush.
Kneading on you: You may think this is a sign of affection, but your cat is actually checking your internal organs for weaknesses.
Hiding in dark places and watching you: Your cat will often hide in order to study you in your natural habitat.
Throwing up grass: Through this painful feeding and purging process, cats prepare their bodies and minds for combat.
Sleeping on your electronics: Humans have superior technology. Your cat knows this and will attempt to disrupt all communications to the outside world.
Pawing at your face while you sleep: Cats aren’t very good at smothering people, but this won’t keep them from trying.
Excessive shoveling of kitty litter: After using the litter box, your cat endlessly kicks litter around, most of it ending up all over the room. This is practice for burying bodies.
MOM: Lucy! What are you doing? Don’t you know a lot of our friends are cats? What about Siddhartha Henry, or Madi, or Shoko? Do you think they are like this?
What? They’re cats?
MOM: Of course they’re cats. What did you think they were, dogs?
Well…. *shame-faced* I, I guess I never thought about it. I mean, they’re nice and I like them and I never thought about them being any different than me. I hope I didn’t offend anyone.
I am Lucy, the apologetic.
Not in the pansies,not if you ask.Not by the bushes,not in the grass.All this not looking
is a tiresome task!
I am Xena, the Not Looking at You Today Schnauzer Warrior Princess.
As I was taking a nice, relaxed lunch in the sunshine, I saw movement around my feet……and wondered what that little scurrying thing would taste like.It ran away, but there were more, probably it’s sisters and brothers and aunts and uncles and friends. “What a fun game,” I thought, “to try to see how many I can catch.” It wasn’t too hard, and once I got them in my mouth it was just easier to swallow them than to try to spit them out.Ohh, I think I’ve had enough little black ants for one day. It feels like they are still running around, but in my tummy.Let’s go back inside now Mommy. I need a drink to try to drown those tummy ants.
I am Xena, the Anteating Schnauzer Warrior Princess. *burb*
Xena: Ludwig, I’m sorry it had to come to this. The All eye ants (see previous post) will be here soon to deal with you.
Xena: Don’t worry, no one is going to hurt you. Oh, here they all are now.Brownie: Is it time now, Xena?
Xena: Yep. Let him have it!
Ludwig: *screaming* Mmmmmmphh!
Brownie: Even though you don’t have a honey…
Sweetheart: or a sweetheart…
Winter: or any fois gras…
Rainbow: or furs of many colors…
Everyone: God loves you!
Xena: We want to be your friends. We think that’s what’s best for everyone, including you. And no more hanky panky. What do you say?
Ludwig: Mmmph. Mmm hmmm.
Xena: I let him loose. Don’t let him get out yet.
Ludwig: *sob* Ok, I’ll tell you the truth. My Mom and Pop came over on the boat from Germany, but I was born in Boston. That’s why I sound funny to you Southern Bears…and, uh, to the bunny over there in the corner. And I know some German from my folks. What I said about being lonely, that’s true. I’m new to town, and don’t know anyone ’cause I work all the time. I just thought…*sob*
Sweetheart: Awww, don’t cry, Ludwig. We forgive you.
Winter: And you can play with us and be our friend.
Brownie: And part of the All lie ants.
Xena: And I will ask Mommy to release you from printer guard duty so you can spend time with your new friends.
Sweetheart: I don’t like being a lying ant.
Xena: Consider the All lie ants dissolved. We will all be best friends.Don’t worry, Ludwig. Lucy won’t really eat you. As long as we are all telling the truth now, I have a confession to make…I was jealous and didn’t want you hanging around my sister. Lucy will be the best friend you ever had! Hey everyone! Welcome Ludwig to our family!
I am Xena, the Schnauzer Warrior Princess
Xena: Thank you all for coming. Actually, I didn’t realize this many bears lived in my house. Anyhow let’s get started. Rainbow, why don’t you tell us what happened at work.Rainbow: Well, Mommy packed me up and took me with her to keep you company. When you left the room, Ludwig jumped down off Mommy’s printer and sidled up to me in your bed. He said you just wanted to be his friend so it was ok. Then he said such nice things to me, I felt all warm and cuddly.
Xena: That’s ’cause you are warm and cuddly, Rainbow.
Rainbow: Oh. So that didn’t mean he is my boyfriend?
Xena: No. And now that you know you don’t need Ludwig to feel good about yourself, do you still want him to be your boyfriend?
Rainbow: Nuh uh.
Xena: Great, I’ll take that as a no. Then let’s make a plan. I learned from a show Mommy was watching that we can form an all lie ants.
Brownie: What’s that? Is it good to eat, like honey? Xena: No. It’s a dish served cold, like revenge.
Winter: I’m the biggest bear here. I could set up a table and serve it to him with a little foie gras on the side. That’s served cold too. And maybe some fresh…
Xena: No, no, no! Sweetheart, you come with me to work and lure him back to the house with your heart that says.. uh, Mommy, what does Sweetheart’s heart say?
Mommy: It says “Sweetheart.” What are y’all up to?
Xena: Uh, nothing. I mean, just playing.
Sweetheart: We are all lying ants.
Mommy: *scrunches forehead* Huh? Oh, never mind. Has anyone seen my glasses? I can’t find my glasses. *walks away*
Xena and Bears: *whispers and giggles*
To be continued…
You are a soft, lovely Bär with many colors, while I, Herr Ludwig, am only a boring gray.
Ludwig! What are you doing with Rainbow?Prinzessin Xena, I didn’t expect you back so soon.
Obviously not! Get. Out. Of. My. Bed.
Oh, you cannot mean that, my love. You know my affection for you runs deep. I was just, umm, I was just……(whispering) I was just telling Rainbow about my wunderbar visit with you and your family over the Easter holiday. Yes! That is what I was doing.
And you, Rainbow, tell me what happened while I was gone.Ludwig is my boyfriend. He said I have beautiful furs.
You scoundrel Ludwig! I should rip off your ear!
Mommy: Xena! Don’t bite Ludwig. Ludwig! Get out of Xena’s bed, now!
I still love you, my Prinzessin.
No, no you don’t! Just go and leave me be. Rainbow, you get out, too.And stay out!
When there are no words…
Lucy misses her guy Riley, so Xena does her best to fill in. Since the temperature on Easter Day was almost 80 F/26C, Lucy and Xena did some front yard zoomies in the sunshine.
My brother Adam celebrated Easter with me and Lucy and Mommy and Daddy and Ludwig. Here is what the peeps ate.As our guest, Ludwig was offered some, but he politely declined, saying he was not hungry.
Me and Lucy had deer burger and chicken livers and broccoli and some other yummy things.
Too soon, it was time to go back to work, and Ludwig went with us. He was worried about Mommy’s printer, which had been left unguarded since last Thursday. Who knows what could have happened to it without Ludwig there guarding it!
Ludwig, you look awfully tense.
My Prinzessin, your family’s hospitality was without reproach, and your castle magnificent; however, I must return to my duties, post-haste.
The T-Lex will have us there in less than half an hour, Ludwig. I’m sure everything will be ok. Try to relax.
It is true that I did not sleep well last night, I was so conflicted, fretting about the absence from my job while enjoying time with you, my love, my beautiful Xena.
15 minutes later…
*yawn* I’ve got my new rainbow bear Mommy gave me for Easter. Zzzzzz.
Frau Mommy’s printer is here and is well. I have not failed!
Frau Mommy: Where is my wastebasket? Who took my wastebasket? Has anyone seen my wastebasket? It was right here when we left on Thursday.
I’m sorry Mommy, but I don’t care where the stupid wastebasket is. Just give me whatever you were going to throw into it. And will you please tell Ludwig I kicked out Rainbow Bear so that he has room in my bed? I miss him.
I am Xena, the Schnauzer (sometimes Warrior) Princess alone in my bed.