Talk Like a Pirate Day: Riley, Lucy, Xena and Chia Go to the Beach

Xena: You know Mommy and Daddy’s gone off to the beach without us again, right? And we’re left all alone to Talk like a Pirate.

Riley: Never fear. I will once again lead the charge in finding them this year. We’ll let narry a pirate whisk them away, at least not before we get our supper.

Lucy: Yeah, well, that didn’t work so good last year. We ended up on an inflatable pirate ship that took us nowhere and we had to hurry and get back home before Miss Christy got back from work. (click here if you missed that.)

Chia: But I was the captain!! Let’s do that again! I wanna be the captain again! I found Miss Christy’s credit card and phone and I’ve contacted an Uber to get us to the beach.

A few hours and a huge Uber bill later…

Chia: Lookie here, ye rogues! Me caught me a sea serpent and made haste to kill it. That makes me the Captain. I’m Captain Chia, harr, harr, harr!

Xena: Quiet, bilge rat, and bring me a grog whilst I watch for our pawrents.

Chia: Grrrrrr. Garrrrr.

Riley: Me thinks me catches their smell, Lucy me mate.

Lucy: Remember to get yur hat on the way back, C’ptain Riley.

Chia: Why din’t any of ye rogues wanna play with me sea serpent?

Xena: I told ye, ye bilge rat. Me watches fer our pawrents who’ll have the chest of treasure.
Chia: Huh? And call me Captain Bilge Rat, er, I mean, Captain Chia!
Xena: With our supper, Captain Bilge Rat.

Riley: The smell gets closer.
Lucy: It smells like BBQ…
Riley: Aye! We’ve found the booty!!

(People yelling) Hey, you dogs! Get away from there! Bring that food back!

Later that evening…Miss Christy on the phone with Uber…

Why did you charge my credit card all that money? Uh huh, no, no! I’m telling you, I did not order an Uber to the beach and back! Do you know how far that is!? I was at work all day. Wait…
do you dogs know anything about this? Wait, what am I saying? You’re dogs. Dogs just don’t do these things. *shakes head*

Well, is everyone ready for supper? Uh, Riley, where’d you get that hat?

Everyone: *woof, woof, woof, arrf, grrr, woof, Miss Christy! (Translation: Supper, yes! And we love you, Miss Christy.)

Heads Up on Rawhide Bones

Lucy, Ace Reporter here with a different kind of News Beat. We came across an article about rawhide, which is something we never get. I decided it’s newsworthy in that it can help you make an informed decision about putting these supposed treats in your mouth — or, if you’re the Mom or Dad, about giving them to your dog. Warning: This report contains toxic information that is not for the squeamish.


WHY RAWHIDE IS TOXIC

If you knew how rawhide was made, you’d never give your dog another one of these treats … ever! Here are the six toxic steps in rawhide production:

1. COLLECTION
In slaughterhouses, the hides are placed in a brine that slows down (but doesn’t stop) the hides from rotting.

2. PROCESSING
The brined hides are shipped to tanneries, where the fat and hair are removed. This is done with chemicals like ash-lye or sodium sulphide liming, which is really toxic. 

3. SPLITTING
Next, the hides are treated with more chemicals that puff up the hide, making it easier to split it into layers. The outer layer is used to make leather goods, while the inner layer is used for gelatin, glue … and rawhide.

4. BLEACHING
The next step is to wash the inner layer in a solution of bleach or hydrogen peroxide. This helps remove the dead, rotten smell from the decaying hide.

5. COLORING
The white hide strips are decorated to make them attractive to dogs. They’re often basted in different flavors and dyed with petroleum-based food dyes like FD&C Red 40.

6. PRESERVING
It would be a shame to let these rotten pieces of hide rot even more…so they’re preserved with chemicals like chromium salts and even formaldehyde, the most carcinogenic chemical that exists. 

So, you ask, what can you chew if you can’t chew rawhide. Click this safe link to find out.
HOW TO CHOOSE SAFE BONES

This is Lucy, Ace Reporter, signing off!

He’s Alive! as reported by Lucy, Ace Reporter

Lucy, Ace Reporter, back on sister station WCAH (W Crime at Home) with a surprise update on the murder case of Larry the Lemur.

Xena’s not here to tell you what should be her story because she doesn’t even know yet. She left early this morning with Dad. She was going with him to work, and then to the vet’s to get her teeth cleaned. She wanted to have a service for her friend, Larry the Lemur, who was murdered a few days ago. We all suspected Chia, but had no proof. Then, the body disappeared.

We’ve all got something to be thankful for today, especially Xena. And, for different reasons, Chia. Although, Chia might now be on the hook for “Attempted Murder of a Stuffie,” which is definitely a step down from “Homicide of a Stuffie.”

Larry suddenly appeared to a small group of stuffies who had gathered on the victrola in the front room.

Their shouts of surprise brought most of the other stuffies out of hiding to find that Larry the Lemur was healed (mostly) and back amongst them. Larry’s leg is reattached, but about 1/2 inch shorter, so he will be walking with a slight limp. His face and belly wounds are also healed. His left hand is still missing, and we think it has already been digested and discarded. He is, however, still wearing that great smile of his! Larry has now been declared their “Guru.”

With all the commotion, it didn’t take Chia long to discover that the only stuffy who could positively identify his murderer was alive again.

Riley, do you have anything to add?

I’ve been following this case with interest, Ace Reporter Lucy. While I laugh at this whole “Guru” thing, I feel Larry’s life may still be in danger. Larry needs to live long enough to point his remaining paw at Chia (or whoever murdered him, but we all know who did it). I may have to become his body guard. You know the long squirt won’t mess with me.

There you have it, folks. Be sure to stay tuned for action-filled updates on the case of “Who Murdered Larry Lemur” and “Is Larry Really a Guru?”

We are joining Comedy Plus for Happy Tuesday!

Sunday Guest Selfie: Markel

Many thanks to  The Cat on My Head  for hosting Selfie Sunday!

Lucy: Originally, Groomer Mom said I could do a Grooming with Mom feature on our newest pup who came for a groom. But she was so excited about finally having another schnauzer on the table that she forgot to get his “before” picture. Markel is the only schnauzer Mom has ever seen whose hair is like our Angel Lexi’s. Xena’s breeder said that there was poodle somewhere in Lexi’s family tree. Her hair — especially her leggings — had a tight, thick curl. Markel’s hair is almost as curly! Anyhow, take it away, Markel!

Hi, I’m Markel, but everyone calls me Baby Dog. My last groomer shaved all the hair off the top of my schnout, but my new groomer said something like, “Uh, uh, homey don’t do dat.” OK, BOL, maybe not in those words, but she said that is NOT how a schnauzer is groomed! So it’s growing out nicely. The rest of me was groomed like a Scottie, but my new groomer fixed that, too.

I don’t really like getting groomed, especially my feet and ears, but I do like looking handsome for my girl Peaches. She was super sweet to me after my 1st groom at this new place, so I guess I’ll keep coming. Groomer Mom has good treats, too.

Can you tell I love posing for pictures? I think it’s a “thing” with us schnauzers. Anyhoo, nice meeting y’all, and maybe I’ll see ya next time. *wags* Baby Dog

Lucy and Xena on Selfie Sunday

Many thanks to  The Cat on My Head  for hosting Selfie Sunday!

Xena: This week it’s Lucy’s turn to do a selfie. She hates having her picture taken, so I selflessly volunteered to be in the picture with her, making it an “ussie.”

OK, Lucy, look at Mommy. She’s got two fish oil pills in her hand, and you get one of them if you look at her. You know you want one!

Good girl, Lucy! You did great! I’ll help you every time it’s your turn. Now, for that fish oil…

Have a great Sunday, everyone! XOX Lucy and Xena Schnauzer Warrior Princess

We’re leaving in a fast car…don’t know when we’ll be back again.*

Xena: It’s been quite a visit. I learned a few things, like what it’s like to have unwanted attention, how to let someone down easy, how good pig poop tastes…speaking of which…

three days ago in Auntie Jen’s back yard

Mom: Xena, stop eating that grass and come on in the house….Xena….do you hear me?? Xena!
Mommy walks toward me and sees this (WARNING: The next picture contains a poop image and may not be appropriate for all readers)

Yep, real, fresh pig poop. Mmmmm

Mommy: OMG, you’re eating pig poop!
Xena: Don’t freak, Mommy. Wait, why are you texting Auntie Jen? No, please don’t make me vomit, I won’t do it again (paws crossed).
As it ended up, I wasn’t forced to vomit and my tummy never even got upset! However, a couple of days later, Lucy also discovered these delectable morsels. Mommy suspected Lucy had eaten some, but since I didn’t get sick, she didn’t do anything about/to Lucy. Then at 2:58 a.m. Mommy woke up to a retching sound. One of the big dogs jumped off the bed and there was a vomiting sound. The culprit jumped back in the bed and acted like nothing had happened. Mommy finally got up and turned on the bedroom light. She saw a pile of fresh-ish meat, apple, broccoli, and some unidentifiable matter. . yep, it was Lucy’s. After that, she began cleaning the yard up every day and following us around outside.

Xena: Yesterday when Mommy opened Morty’s Bathroom Apartment door for him to come out for supper, she found this:

That’s Morty’s Teddy facedown in Morty’s used litter. Did Teddy need to go potty? Or maybe he was hungry!

Xena: That takes us to today, and boyfriend drama. *sigh*

heard very early this morning…

Achilles: I wish you wouldn’t keep your back to me, Lucy

Lucy: I wish you wouldn’t flirt with my little sister.

Later in the morning:

Ella: Hey girl. I hear you’re leaving soon. Love you, friend.

Lucy: Hey girl. I love you too, friend.

Xena: I’m sorry, Achilles, that I hurt your feelings. I want you to know it’s not you, it’s me. I just want to stay single and close to my Mommy.

Why are you looking over my shoulder, Achilles?

Achilles: Lucy! I’m so glad to see you! Ignore her. You’re my girlfriend, remember?

Lucy: Goodbye, Achilles. I’ll see you next time. I’m going to have to think about our relationship.

Achilles: Why do girl dogs have to make it all so difficult? I’m a good boy. Everyone says so. Xena is just…different. She looks and acts so different than me or Lucy. That’s why I keep looking at her. Maybe next time I can just look at Lucy and she’ll be happy.

Xena: Uh, Mommy, after my shampoo and blow dry and pedicure, I’m ready to go home and cuddle in my daddy’s lap. I’m even ready to play with Chia. I hear she and Riley have been playing a lot while we’ve been gone. I also heard she managed to get the porch screen door open and had a bit of a runabout.

Are you packed? Are we ready to go? I call dibs on the backseat kennel!

*John Denver, I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane lyrics:

All my bags are packed I’m ready to go I’m standin’ here outside your door I hate to wake you up to say goodbye But the dawn is breakin’ It’s early morn The taxi’s waitin’ He’s blowin’ his horn Already I’m so lonesome I could die So kiss me and smile for me Tell me that you’ll wait for me Hold me like you’ll never let me go ‘Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane Don’t know when I’ll be back again Oh babe, I hate to go There’s so many times I’ve let you down So many times I’ve played around I tell you now, they don’t mean a thing Every place I go, I’ll think of you Every song I sing, I’ll sing for you When I come back, I’ll bring your wedding ring So kiss me and smile for me Tell me that you’ll wait for me Hold me like you’ll never let me go ‘Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane Don’t know when I’ll be back again Oh babe, I hate to go Now the time has come to leave you One more time Let me kiss you Then close your eyes And I’ll be on my way Dream about the days to come When I won’t have to leave alone About the times, I won’t have to say Kiss me and smile for me Tell me that you’ll wait for me Hold me like you’ll never let me go ‘Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane Don’t know when I’ll be back again Oh babe, I hate to go But, I’m leavin’ on a jet plane Don’t know when I’ll be back again Oh babe, I hate to go.

Blount Mansion Nature Friday with Selfies

We are joining Angel Arty, Jakey, Rosy and Sunny of the LLB Gang with much thanks for hosting Nature Friday.

At the beginning of the year, our Mom and Dad took a trip to Knoxville, where they danced and visited restaurants and old houses. Us and our sitter, Miss Christy, told y’all about it here.

Today, for Nature Friday, we want to show you the gardens at the Blount Mansion that they visited on that trip.

We didn’t think one of our blog posts would be complete without pictures of us, too!

XOX Riley, Lucy, Xena and Chia

A Video Message from Our Mom

We’re joining Comedy Plus for theAwww Monday Blog Hop!

Miss Christy: You pups got a video message from your Mom. Gather round and I’ll play it for you. *mumbling* I never get video messages…I’ve never even stayed with pups before who got video messages.

Xena: The ocean sure looks calm there and small.

Riley: That’s not the ocean, it’s a swimming pool.

Lucy: She’s changed locations. Oh dear. Do you think she’s been stolen and we’ll have to go find her, or maybe give a reward to get her back?

Chia: Why isn’t anyone playing with me? Wait! What did she say at the end there? Miss Christy, did you tell her what we did yesterday, running off to to look for her and Dad on Talk Like a Pirate Day??

Miss Christy: No Chia. I promised I wouldn’t in exchange for you being a good girl for me.

Riley: What? Mom Amy found out? Xena, push the duster around the floor. I’ll pre-wash the dishes, and Lucy, you lick the kitchen floor clean.

Chia: What about me?

Riley: Hide that thing you chewed up and stay out of trouble.

Xena: And I’ll look up at her adoringly when she gets back.

Lucy: And I’ll try to not look too guilty.

Miss Christy: That’s right. You pups do all that work and I won’t have to. I’m sure she’ll forgive you then.

Chia: Won’t have to what, Miss Christy?

Miss Christy: Uh, umm *thinking* I won’t have to tell our little secret!

Sunday Selfie Sleepy Crew with Xena

We are happy to join The Cat on My Head for Sunday Selfies.

Xena: It’s selfie time and I think it’s Riley’s turn. Now where did he go? Ah, there he is in our favorite red chair. Ri! Wake up for your selfie! Riley! *click*

hmff

That didn’t work out so well. Guess he forfeited his turn. I think that long mess called Chia is next in line for a selfie. I know she’s around here somewhere; she and Lucy were just playing. Or maybe I should say she was just grabbing Lucy’s face and stretching the skin as far as it would go while Lucy pawed at her to get her loose. Oh! There they are.

Well, so much for either of them doing a selfie. At least Lucy still has a face. *click*

I guess it’ll be my turn after all. But first, I wanna tell you about Chia “grossing Mommy out.”

Mommy was sitting on the rug on the porch, taping down the edges so that Chia couldn’t turn it over and tear it up. She got one side done and put her hand down on the rug to lift up to turn the corner. Her hand pushed on something soft and small and kinda gooey. Chia had killed one of my lizards, and it was laying there without it’s tail. I’ve never seen Mommy wash her hands for so long.

A few days later Mommy and Daddy were having lunch on the porch, and Mommy had laid her eyeglasses on the table while she ate. She looked down and saw a “twig” on the floor. Chia’s always bringing sticks and stones in from the dog lot, and Mommy picks them up so she doesn’t eat them. She realized when she laid the “twig” on the table that it didn’t look quite like a stick. When she put her glasses on she discovered it used to be a grasshopper, but now had no legs to hop.

If that put all kinds of icky image in your head, let me replace them with one of pretty little me.

Hoping you have a grossed-out-free week (which is much more likely without Chia around).

Xena Schnauzer Warrior Princess

Xena’s Thankful Thursday


Today we are joining Brian’s Thankful Thursday, with special thanks to Brian for hosting it!

First, I’m thankful I got Thankful Thursday instead of Lucy, BOL!

I am thankful for my chew bones. They’re best when they still have meat and marrow on them, but they’re still fun to chew on when they are bare, too.

There’s lots of these laying under the furniture and under the couch cushions and out on the porch. Sometimes I let Riley or Lucy chew on them, too.

I’m also very, very thankful for my Daddy.

Daddy gives me my pre-made by Mommy breakfast every morning. He holds me when I demand ask him to. And he calls me The Little One and Little Girl. He loves me a lot.

Did you see the new purple collar on me in that last picture? It’s a special collar that is made to work with my body to repel ticks and fleas for four months without the use of any harmful chemicals. We’re still waiting to see if it works.

Lucy: I just want to say…

Xena: Lucy, no! It’s supposed to be my Thankful Thursday!

Lucy

Lucy: I just want to say I am very Thankful for a wonderful little sister named Xena.

Xena: Oh, uh, OK. We can leave that in. Uh, thanks, Lucy. I love you too.

This is Xena Schnauzer Warrior Princess thankful for my sister Lucy who loves me.

Return of Our Friends

Xena here. Something bad happened. Our Uncle Bill’s Mommy fell down really hard. Her hip broke, and so did her leg, and her shoulder shattered. She is very old, and we feel very bad for her. So first, before we go any further, we want to ask for POTP for Miss Pat.

Our Aunty Jen and Uncle Bill drove the three hours from their home near Nashville to be with Miss Pat right after she fell. That’s why Achilles and Ella got to stay with us. Aunty Jen left them at our house while my folks were gone teaching a ballroom dance class. She locked Achilles in the new, gigormous kennel, and Ella took over Xena’s kennel. (That was to ensure that Ella and Lucy didn’t go on another destruction spree.                                                 Achilles

When Mommy and Daddy got home an hour later, Achilles met them at the door. He really is Achilles-dini.

Ella was still in Xena’s kennel, and pitifully asked Mommy why she had to be in jail. Shortly after Mommy let her out she projectile vomited the little bit of kibble left in her tummy.

Mommy went up to the attic to pull out more dog beds. You can see that Angel Lexi’s bed got covered with red fuzz from my red blankie that was in the wash with it. The plan was for Achilles to sleep there because it is the bigger bed. Since he wouldn’t settle down, Ella claimed it. Silly girl, she didn’t even use most of the bed. I guess her head felt good on the floor.

The next day my folks had to go to work, so they jailed both of our guests. When Mommy got home (you know this is going to be bad, starting off like that, right?) Achilles-dini was loose again, but the door to the kennel was still locked. That is still a mystery. Now, here’s the bad part.  The smell about knocked Mommy over. The big boy had left a steaming present in Daddy’s office, and I had to be in the house and smell steaming Achilles-dini poop all afternoon! *gag* Wait! There’s more! We couldn’t walk through the house without stepping in Achilles-dini pee. He left puddles and trails. I couldn’t believe Mommy wasn’t mad. She said it is because he drinks huge bowls of water all at once because he is so hot from his allergies. He takes medicine, but it doesn’t help enough.

Achilles-dini also decided the pretty hanging bulbs on the Christmas tree (yes, we still have our tree up in the front room because it make Mommy feel good) anyhow, he decided they are good to eat. No one has died – or even gotten yelled at (much) – yet.

Oh, and one more thing. I had a talk with Achilles. I told him in no-uncertain-terms that Lucy already has a boyfriend and he isn’t to be kissing on her. He understood and said OK, he could respect that. 

BB, you know I have been called a “snitch,” but I can snitch on good things too, right? So here goes: Lucy behaved herself around Achilles-dini. Mommy is a notary public, and I will have her notarize my statement if you want, to prove it is true.

Our friends are going home today, and, until then, our folks are taking turns leaving the house for work and errands.

Xena Schnauzer Warrior Princess, the good snitch

Grooming and More: Roxxii, Dora and Maggie

Today, Ace Reporter Lucy on the Groom Beat. First, we have Roxxii. Isn’t she a doll? Mom did what she calls a “Winter Groom,” leaving her body and leg hair long to help her stay warm.

Her Mom had to leave her for three hours while she worked, so Roxxii came upstairs to stay with us.Xena: Who are you and why are you here? I play bowed and you didn’t respond. Don’t even think about taking my Mommy or stealing my food or my pressies from under the tree.

Roxxii: I hadn’t thought about any of those things until you mentioned them, schnauzer dog. Where are the pressies? I don’t see any.

Xena: Just never mind. I already hid my reindeer when I saw you coming.

30 minutes later after Roxxii ran all over the house looking for Xena’s reindeer…Roxxii: I want my Mommy.

Meanwhile, downstairs in the grooming room…Dora the shih tzu: Maggie, did you see if that other dog ever came back? What happened to her?

Maggie the schnauzer: I don’t know, Dora, but I’ll protect you.

Maggie: Miss Amy, where did that other dog go? Is she staying with you while her Mom and Dad go away like we stayed a few weeks ago? Is she OK?

Dora: (As their Mom pulls into the driveway) Can we go home now, Miss Amy? Are we staying with you again, too? I really want to go home.

Angel Lexi: There’s no place like home.

Well, I seem to have totally lost control of my article, so I guess that’s all for today, folks. Wags and wiggles from Lucy, Ace Reporter who needs a lock on her computer.

 

 

The Christmas Monster and Grod

Xena: Daddy and brother Adam put up a big thing that looks like a tree right in the house! Xena: Lucy was scared, but I wasn’t scared at all!

Lucy: It looked like a tree, but it didn’t smell like a tree. Then Mom put all these lights and other stuff on it, so it didn’t really even look like a tree any more. I still don’t know what it is.

Xena: So what did it look like, Lucy?

Lucy: *whispers* A giant monster.

Xena: Well, sitting in front of the monster got us treats, so it couldn’t be all bad. Am I right? Then Mommy found some fun stuff in the plastic  bins.This is the Christmas gorilla. I think I will name him Grod, like on our favorite Netflix show, The Flash. Only our Grod will be a nice ape.I promise I won’t hurt Grod, Mommy.  Can I keep  him? He’s my new friend, and I’m not afraid of him.

I am Xena Schnauzer Warrior Princess and Keeper of Grod.

I am Lucy and I’m staying in the other room away from the giant monster.

Is There a Dog In There?

Hi friends. This is Lucy with another episode of Grooming with Mommy. When Bella was carried in the door, none of us were really sure if there was a dog inside all that hair.

Then she stuck out her tongue at us and Mom knew she had some tough grooming to do. Bella was here almost a year ago, and hasn’t been groomed since. Mom said she was in the same condition the first time, too – matted to the skin, nails super long, and stinky stuff stuck under her tail. Then, something like a miracle happened.

Bella: I think I’m naked.

Hey, I like how my beard tastes after getting shampooed.

I can’t wait for my Mom and Dad to see me. I hear them coming up the driveway!

Love and wiggles, Lucy

Pee Ess: Xena and I hope all you mothers out there had very Happy Mother’s Day. We love you!!

What I Saw Lucy Doing

Look what I saw Lucy doing:She’s DROOLING! Then she sucked it back up into her mouth! E-ewww.

And again, on our first time at the dog park: Ha, ha, ha, caught you, Lucy.

Lucy: Sometimes I don’t like you very much, Xena. You need to try to be nicer.

I am Xena the Schnauzer Warrior Princess with the Grossly Drooling Sister

Co-Authoring Hodge Podge

Xena: Lucy and I decided to try to write something together, as co-authors. You know, like Stephen King and Dean Koontz. Yep, that’s us; I’ll be King and Lucy can have Koontzies, he, he, he.

Lucy: Xena, sometimes you just give me a headache.

Xena: Did you know Mommy went and  paid to have her boobies squished? I try to do that for free for her every morning when I catch her laying on her back, but all she does is groan and turn over. Sheesh. I’ll try again tomorrow to see if she has suddenly decided she likes it. Just like she keeps putting coconut oil in my food bowl to see if I changed my mind about eating it. I bet her answer will be the same as mine.

Lucy: Maybe that’s why Mom rubbed the coconut oil all over you, since you won’t eat it.Xena: Not that it did me any good with you licking it all off of me. I couldn’t get away from you, and the folks were laughing too hard to help me.

Lucy: I heard Mom say now you know what it feels like when you lick off all the lotion she puts on her hands or legs.

Xena: Yeah, well…I like my new kennel. It’s right by the back door window so I can look outside whenever I want. And you can’t bother me or take my stuff. It’s my safe place. Lucy: You mean so you can take my stuff! I could come in there if I wanted to…I just don’t want to. *harumph* And oh yeah, I almost forgot. You go brain-dead when you’re near that kennel.

Xena: Do not, Lucy the Koontzie!

Lucy: Do too! You were playing in your kennel when Dad got home the other night and you went crazy, jumping up and down with your pogo stick legs, and screaming for him to get you out. You forgot the door was open!

Xena: Well, I…

Lucy: Oh, oh, and what about last week when the kennel door was open and you were digging at the side to try to get Brownie Bear out? All you had to do was walk in and get him!

Xena: Hey, can anyone guess what’s all over my face? Clue: I just ate lunch.It’s in my mouth, too, he, he. OK, here’s a better picture…Did you guess white wall paper? If so, you’re wrong! Ha, ha, ha. Did you guess egg shell? Yes! Mommy got some farm-fresh eggs at the farmers market over the weekend. If you guessed right, you won an all-expense paid trip to…

Lucy: Xena! Stop! You can’t promise something that you can’t deliver!

Xena: I’m not delivering, silly Lucy with Koontzies. They have to go there themselves.

Lucy: This headache is getting worse. I’m going to put on my happy face, pretend I didn’t hear that, and sing everyone a song, just like you did, Xena *whispers* only better.Is everyone ready? (Oh, I’m a bit nervous.) Here we go. All y’all can sing along if you want.

(Warning: turn down your sound)

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

I come home in the morning light
My mother says when you gonna live your life right
Oh mother dear we’re not the fortunate ones
And girls they wanna have fun
Oh girls just want to have fun
The phone rings in the middle of the night
My father yells what you gonna do with your life
Oh daddy dear you know you’re still number one
But girls they wanna have fun
Oh girls just want to have
That’s all they really want
Some fun
When the working day is done
Oh girls, they wanna have fun
Oh girls just wantna have fun (girls and boys wanna have fun, girls wanna have)
Some boys take a beautiful girl
And hide her away from the rest of the world
I want to be the one to walk in the sun
Oh girls they wanna have fun
Oh girls just wanna have
That’s all they really want
Some fun
We are Xena and Lucy (and I don’t have Koontzies)

Please Be Careful

I saw this and thought I should warn everyone who lives with a cat. Please be careful.

In case you couldn’t read what’s on this picture, I will tell you, ’cause it’s impawtant:

Bringing you dead animals: This isn’t a gift, it’s a warning.

Staring contests: If you get caught in a staring contest with a cat, do not look away. Looking away will signal to your cat that you are weak, and an attack is likely to follow.

Sprinting at light speed out of any room you enter: When your cat does this, it’s actually a failed ambush.

Kneading on you: You may think this is a sign of affection, but your cat is actually checking your internal organs for weaknesses.

Hiding in dark places and watching you: Your cat will often hide in order to study you in your natural habitat.

Throwing up grass: Through this painful feeding and purging process, cats prepare their bodies and minds for combat.

Sleeping on your electronics: Humans have superior technology. Your cat knows this and will attempt to disrupt all communications to the outside world.

Pawing at your face while you sleep: Cats aren’t very good at smothering people, but this won’t keep them from trying.

Excessive shoveling of kitty litter: After using the litter box, your cat endlessly kicks litter around, most of it ending up all over the room. This is practice for burying bodies.

MOM: Lucy! What are you doing? Don’t you know a lot of our friends are cats? What about Siddhartha Henry, or Madi, or Shoko? Do you think they are like this?

What? They’re cats?

MOM: Of course they’re cats. What did you think they were, dogs?

Well…. *shame-faced* I, I guess I never thought about it. I mean, they’re nice and I like them and I never thought about them being any different than me. I hope I didn’t offend anyone.

I am Lucy, the apologetic.

Xena’s Visitor

Xena: Hi Ludwig. Why are you wearing my walking vest?

It is because Das Mommy has invited me home for Easter holiday.

Xena: Really? That’s great! You’ll get to meet my big sister Lucy and, and (quietly) you might like her…more than you like me… and then… No, no, Ludwig, you wouldn’t like it at my house at all! Not at all! Lucy might eat you. You’ve gotta tell Mommy you can’t come. But that would be rude, lovely Prinzessin. You must not ask me to do that.

A few minutes later…

Xena: So this is my car, Herr Ludwig. It’s name is T-Lex after my Angel Sister Lexi. It goes really fast, but you mustn’t be afraid. You can look out the windows and see other cars and people and buildings and all kinds of stuff.

This is fun, Prinzessin Xena. I would like to have a T-Lex also.  It is wunderbar.

Xena: Ludwig, wake up! We’re almost home.

Xena: First the important stuff. This is the toy basket. Those are my toys. Understand? My toys.I have no need of toys, beautiful Xena. After all, I have you.

Lucy: Who is your friend, Xena? Can I play with him?

Xena: No! Er, I mean, I’m showing Ludwig around, so please don’t bother us right now. Why don’t you go see if our supper is ready? And ask Mommy to set a place for Ludwig, too.

 

3 hours later…

Xena: What am I gonna do, Lucy?I don’t know, Xena. He’s your problem. You brought him home and told me to stay away from him. All I know is this is my bed and you can’t sleep here.

I am Xena, the Schnauzer Warrior Princess with nowhere to lay my head.