Not Quite Wordless Wednesday: Cone of Shame

Xena: To start off our not quite WW we want to wish everyone a belated happy St. Patrick’s Day, and feature the back of the green shirt that was printed during Angel Lexi’s second run as Toto in the Wizard of Oz.

Can you find Lexi’s name? The first one to get the right answer will win… oh, never mind; Lucy’s just going to stop me anyway.

Lucy: Next, we want to feature the infamous cone of shame. You may remember that “Lois” showed up at our front door claiming to be Ludwig’s cousin. You can click here if you missed that one. Many of you were justifiably dubious, and thought it was probably Ludwig in drag. Well, we are here to tell you that you were right! The first give-away (no, not a trip, Xena) was that “Lois” immediately took up Ludwig’s usual place on the old Victrola.

Spying on Xena was such a shameful act that he has to wear the cone of shame, at least until we figure out where Mr. Eleephant is.

Now for our Cone of Shame funny, he, he, he.

Thanks to Comedy Plus for hosting the
Wordless Wednesday Blog Hop!

XOX from your friends, Lucy and Xena Schnauzer Warrior Princess

Ludwig or Lois?

Xena: Something odd happened around here. I was having a good, normal Saturday. Daddy finished putting together my breakfast and I declared it good. Mommy finally crawled out of bed around 6:30 in the morning, saw it was dark and cold and threatening snow, and said we would all go outside after the sun came up. We never actually saw the sun, but it did get lighter outside so that we could see if any coyotes or werewolves were coming at us from the nearby woods. (None did.) Lucy and I played in the yard for a little bit while Riley (yes, he’s back) took his time deciding if he would step onto the wet grass. Mommy says Riley is very smart, but he sure does take a long time thinking about stuff.

I sure hope Riley doesn’t take as long to make up his mind as this guy.

I still didn’t think anything was out of the ordinary when I heard a scratching at the front door. We get a lot of Amazon deliveries, and I figured the delivery person had figured out the dog way of asking for the door to be opened was preferable to banging on it or ringing that annoying bell. Well, that, or else I was finally going to get to be a ratter.

So, as usual, I hollered for Mommy to come open the door. Look who was there! At first I thought it was Ludwig come home, then I saw the dress…

Xena: “Who are you? Are you Ludwig? You smell like Ludwig. Why are you dressed like that?

Schnauzer at the door: No, Xena, I am Ludwig’s cousin, Lois. I’ve heard so much about you from my wonderful, handsome cousin Ludwig! Then I heard that you and that scoundrel, er, I mean, Achilles might be getting married, so I came for the wedding. Let me in.

Xena: Riley! Get out of my bed and come here! I need your help.

This dog says (s)he’s Lois, Ludwig’s cousin. What do you think?

Riley: Well, (s)he’s got this strap thing from the dress wrapped around the part that would give it away, so I’m not sure. Do you want me to rip it off?

Lois: Stop it! Stop it!

Xena: No, that would be way too rude. But she thinks I’m marrying Achilles. What should we do?

Riley: Lucy says let the new dog stay.

If it’s really Ludwig, we’ll know soon enough.

Yes, we will know soon enough. If Lois perches on Vicky the Troll, uh, we’ll know it’s really Ludwig, and my ploy to make him jealous worked.

In the meantime, I’ve reclaimed my bed and am going to help Mommy in her home office.

Does Xena Have a Boyfriend?

Daddy, it’s time to send Ludwig another text. We’ve got pictures to send, too.

OK, Xena, let’s do it.

Dear Ludwig, I went to Nashville, visited Achilles who previously asked Daddy for my paw in marriage. Got re-acquainted. Asked me again if I would marry him. Said I would think about it. He promised me fresh steak every night if I said yes. He’s such a handsome, big dog. Hope you are doing ok and taking good care of Mr. Eleephant. Pee S: check out pic attached.

Dad: Is that the best pic you could get of the two of you? You don’t look very amorous.

Xena: That’s too hard to pretend. And it’s better than this other one where Achilles asked me if we were done. He said he didn’t mind helping me out, but he didn’t want Lucy to see.

Xena, the getting back at Ludwig Schnauzer Warrior Princess.

Special Pee S from the Dad: Look closely at the first picture. I think Achilles got busted.

Ludwig

Lucy: Hey Xena, have you heard anything from Ludwig since he left in such a hurry with Mr. Eleephant?

Xena: What do you mean? Why would I hear from him? He was just going to visit his pawrents in New York City, right? What could he possibly want to tell me?

Lucy: Oh, I don’t know, maybe about all his shenanigans since he left. I googled him, and it seems he has a wild side we didn’t know about. You’d better sit down. Sit, Xena, sit!

This was the first picture that popped up with his name.

Doesn’t this look like Ludwig going into that club?

Xena: Well, it’s dark out and it’s from the back. Really, it could be anyone. Besides, Mr. Eleephant isn’t with him, and Ludwig’s supposed to be taking care of him.

Lucy: I found this one in the Tattler.

That’s the Australian model Shanina Shaik he’s with there.

Xena: He was probably just passing her by on the sidewalk on his way home to check on Mr. Eleephant.

Lucy: Paparazzi don’t take pictures of someone just passing someone else by, Xe. Here’s another one.

Look how that woman is looking at Ludwig. She seems to be enjoying his company. And he’s smiling pretty big, too.

Xena: But, but, I’m sure they were all just going the same direction. Or maybe they are nurses he’s taking home to help care for Mr. E.

Lucy: Yeah, he probably is taking them home… I’ve got one more. Wanna see it?

Xena: *hangs head* No, but go ahead and show me.

Lucy: Ludwig is helping to DJ at a rave.

A short while later

Xena: Daddy, I need you to help me write a note to Ludwig.

That’s a good one Daddy. OK, now tell him about the big party we had and sorry he wasn’t around, and there were lots and lots of nice boy dogs there who liked me. And that I’m going away the end of the month to a big bash in Nashville. No, he doesn’t need to know it’s Aunty Jen’s birthday, or that I’m staying at her house while you and Mommy and all the peeps go dancing. Oh, and be sure to tell him I’m looking forward to seeing a certain really big boy dog there. And, and, oh just make up some more stuff.

Lucy and the vindictive Xena Schnauzer Warrior Princess

Feelin’ Irish with Ludwig

I’ve been so worried about Ludwig! Every time I hear someone outside I run and look to see if he has come home. Turns out there is no Missing Ludwig Po Po, so we were on our own looking for him. Last night I heard someone on the front porch, and guess who it was! Xena: Ludwig! Is it really you? Where have you been?

Ludwig: Yes, lovely one, it is I. Let me in and I will tell you about my adventures.

Ludwig had a big bag on the porch, and he asked me to help him bring it in the house.

Ludwig: First, let me tell you that I felt assured that no harm would come to our hibernating bears. Are they still sleeping?

Xena: Yes, yes, they are, but the weather is warming up and they should be coming out of the closet, er their cave soon. We heard someone rumbling around in the kitchen the other night after we had gone to bed and we think it was them.

Ludwig: Very good, then all is well. I brought special libations for  us to enjoy. After all, this is the eve of the day of the great Saint Patrick. He is fabled to have driven all the snakes out of Ireland, and there are none there to this day.

So, beautiful Xena, come imbibe a bit o’ Irish luck with me.

Xena: Ludwig, I don’t know if I should do this…

A short while later… Xena: Everything is kinda’ tilting and I may be turning green.

Ludwig: There is only one cure for that!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day from *hic* Xena and Ludwig (and Lucy, too).

From Pupdates to Ludwig Missing

WHERE WERE MOM AND DAD

Xena: Hi Everyone! As we mentioned not long ago, Miss Christy came and stayed with us while Mom and Dad took off without us for two whole nights. I showed her my favorite spot. Then I showed her how fearless I am when I play-attack Lucy. 

Miss Christy said I am as spunky as ever! Oh yeah, we found out that Mommy and Daddy went to a church convention. Here they are with a flat dude. The flat dude’s  name is the Most Reverend Michael Curry. Some of you may might have heard of him. Mommy said she missed us me us very much and the first thing she did when she got home was take us for a nice walk.

FREESTYLE

Xena: I know you have been waiting to see another video of me dancing Freestyle. This one is from my second lesson. 

Since this lesson, I have gotten much better at walking close to Mommy’s legs. She shows me what she wants by holding a wooden spoon with almond butter on it down next to her leg when she walks. Tricky Mommy, but I don’t care. It tastes great and wait ’til you see my next video!

Lucy: Can I go next, Xena?
Xena: No, it’s still my turn.

XENA STANDS UP FOR HERSELF

I mentioned a little while back that I stood up to 2 dogs and They. Backed. Down.  I know y’all have been waiting to hear that story. The first “incident” was when Peyton and Slider’s folks came to pick them up after being groomed. Mommy let me go outside with everybody and while I was trying to make friends Peyton growled and lunged at me. You can see in this picture that Mommy has used her as a guard dog, so I should have been more cautious.Anyhoo, I lunged right back at her. We never actually touched, but I was ready. Her Mom said no one has ever stood up to her before, so Peyton didn’t know what to do and just quit.  The second time was with the dog sitting next to me and Mommy at Freestyle class. We don’t have a picture of this dog, but he is the typical, crazed Border Collie. He was already worked up because he wanted to do Agility instead of Freestyle, then he kept starring at a little girl there, and finally he snarled at me. I stood up and lunged and he pulled away. *wipes paws* That  took care of that!

CHRISTMAS TREE

Xena: Maybe you remember that our tree was still up the beginning of January. I started placing bets on if it would come down before Valentine’s Day, and if so, by how many days.

Lucy: Who were you betting with, Xena?

Xena: Myself. That way I was sure to win. Anyhoo, it’s gone. It disappeared the first week of February. I looked out the window to see if it was in the front yard, but I couldn’t spot it. I also ran through the side woods to try to find it, but I couldn’t smell it anywhere. And I got in trouble for running out of the yard.This red leather chair took over the space. No matter. I won the bet. I won the bet, Mommy. Give me a treat.

LUCY AND THE KENNEL

 

Lucy: Everyone was very kind to me when I let y’all know what I got for my birthday – a jail cell. I am very happy to report that I was so good after I saw it that Mommy never had the heart to make me stay in it, not even when both she and Dad left the house. She kept the door open so I could go in and explore, but why would I want to do that?

It is now folded up and leaning against the wall. That was a better present!

MISSING FRIENDS

Xena: That reminds me, I haven’t seen my friends, Brownie Bear or Ludwig or Rainbow Bear or even little Sweetheart Bear for 87 weeks.

Lucy: How on earth did my prison remind you of them?

Xena: They spent a lot of time hanging out in my kennel. Anyhoo, do you know where they are, Lucy?

Lucy: I heard they are hibernating in the guest closet for the winter. Bears do that you know. Of course, Winter Bear is still awake and playing in your kennel ’cause he’s a winter bear.

Xena: But Ludwig’s not a bear…where is he?

Lucy: He’s supposed to be guarding the bears while they sleep all winter. Let’s go take a peek. Xena: HEY YOU BEARS, WHY ARE Y’ALL SLEEPING AND WHERE’S LUDWIG?

Lucy: Shhhhhh Xena, don’t wake them up or they’ll be grumpy. But where is Ludwig?

Xena: *whispering* Maybe he got hungry and went out for a burger and fries.

2 days later

Xena: Hey Lucy, I just checked and Ludwig is still gone. I hope he didn’t get lost. Or eaten by a coyote. Or squished on the road. Or, or… Mommy! Call the Missing Ludwig Po-Po’s and give them Ludwig’s picture. We can post it on all the trees and telephone poles, too.To be continued…

I am Xena the BRAVE Schnauzer Warrior Princess

and I am Lucy the umm, well, the Lovable

Keeping Xena Safe

When Xena sleeps at work, Brownie Bear and I, Ludwig guard her so no harm can come to her. Sometimes she rests in the Mommy’s lap.  The Mommy also keeps her safe. We all love our Xena.

I am Ludwig.

Puppy Class Fears

Ludwig here. I have been visiting with my new friends at Xena’s home. It has become my weekend retreat.

Xena started going to her first puppy class last week. The Mommy bought these training treats that are as close to her raw diet as she could find. Xena seemed super excited about the treats, but not so much the class. 

She told us all – and I mean all – about it. She droned on about how afraid she was of the other dogs and the huge room they were in. She hid under the chair where the Mommy was sitting and shook. She may be a schnauzer and a princess, but she sure isn’t a warrior. As I was drifting off, I could still hear her woofing about the puppies who were so much bigger than her, and about the teacher who would take them away from their Mommies to demonstrate training techniques. And about how she was afraid the lady would try to take her from her Mommy, and she thought she would die of fear. Rainbow fell asleep before I did. I don’t know if Winter was awake or sleeping with his eyes open. We can all do that, you know. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Xena: Mommy! Are you ready to go to puppy class? Are you bringing those treats with us again? Is it time to go?

I am Xena, the Schnauzer Princess Warrior!

Cave of the Clan Bears Part 2

Xena: Ludwig, I’m sorry it had to come to this. The All eye ants (see previous post) will be here soon to deal with you.

Ludwig: mmphmph…mmmmm.

Xena: Don’t worry, no one is going to hurt you. Oh, here they all are now.Brownie: Is it time now, Xena?

Xena: Yep. Let him have it!

Ludwig: *screaming* Mmmmmmphh!

Brownie: Even though you don’t have a honey…

Sweetheart: or a sweetheart…

Winter: or any fois gras…

Rainbow: or furs of many colors…

Everyone: God loves you!

Xena: We want to be your friends. We think that’s what’s best for everyone, including you. And no more hanky panky. What do you say?

Ludwig: Mmmph. Mmm hmmm.

Xena: I let him loose. Don’t let him get out yet.

Ludwig: *sob* Ok, I’ll tell you the truth. My Mom and Pop came over on the boat from Germany, but I was born in Boston. That’s why I sound funny to you Southern Bears…and, uh, to the bunny over there in the corner. And I know some German from my folks. What I said about being lonely, that’s true. I’m new to town, and don’t know anyone ’cause I work all the time. I just thought…*sob*

Sweetheart: Awww, don’t cry, Ludwig. We forgive you. 

Winter: And you can play with us and be our friend. 

Brownie: And part of the All lie ants.

Xena: And I will ask Mommy to release you from printer guard duty so you can spend time with your new friends.

Sweetheart: I don’t like being a lying ant.

Xena: Consider the All lie ants dissolved. We will all be best friends.Don’t worry, Ludwig. Lucy won’t really eat you. As long as we are all telling the truth now, I have a confession to make…I was jealous and didn’t want you hanging around my sister. Lucy will be the best friend you ever had! Hey everyone! Welcome Ludwig to our family!

I am Xena, the Schnauzer Warrior Princess

Caught!

You are a soft, lovely Bär with many colors, while I, Herr Ludwig, am only a boring gray.

Ludwig! What are you doing with Rainbow?Prinzessin Xena, I didn’t expect you back so soon.

Obviously not! Get. Out. Of. My. Bed.

Oh, you cannot mean that, my love. You know my affection for you runs deep. I was just, umm, I was just……(whispering) I was just telling Rainbow about my wunderbar visit with you and your family over the Easter holiday. Yes! That is what I was doing.

And you, Rainbow, tell me what happened while I was gone.Ludwig is my boyfriend. He said I have beautiful furs.

You scoundrel Ludwig! I should rip off your ear!

Mommy: Xena! Don’t bite Ludwig. Ludwig! Get out of Xena’s bed, now!

I still love you, my Prinzessin.

No, no you don’t! Just go and leave me be. Rainbow, you get out, too.And stay out!

When there are no words…

 

Post-Easter Post

My brother Adam celebrated Easter with me and Lucy and Mommy and Daddy and Ludwig. Here is what the peeps ate.As our guest, Ludwig was offered some, but he politely declined, saying he was not hungry.

Me and Lucy had deer burger and chicken livers and broccoli and some other yummy things.

Too soon, it was time to go back to work, and Ludwig went with us. He was worried about Mommy’s printer, which had been left unguarded since last Thursday. Who knows what could have happened to it without Ludwig there guarding it!

Ludwig, you look awfully tense.

My Prinzessin, your family’s hospitality was without reproach, and your castle magnificent; however, I must return to my duties, post-haste.

The T-Lex will have us there in less than half an hour, Ludwig. I’m sure everything will be ok. Try to relax.

It is true that I did not sleep well last night, I was so conflicted, fretting about the absence from my job while enjoying time with you, my love, my beautiful Xena.

Soon…Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

15 minutes later…

*yawn* I’ve got my new rainbow bear Mommy gave me for Easter. Zzzzzz.

Frau Mommy’s printer is here and is well. I have not failed!

Frau Mommy: Where is my wastebasket? Who took my wastebasket? Has anyone seen my wastebasket? It was right here when we left on Thursday.

I’m sorry Mommy, but I don’t care where the stupid wastebasket is. Just give me whatever you were going to throw into it. And will you please tell Ludwig I kicked out Rainbow Bear so that he has room in my bed? I miss him.

I am Xena, the Schnauzer (sometimes Warrior) Princess alone in my bed.

Xena’s Visitor

Xena: Hi Ludwig. Why are you wearing my walking vest?

It is because Das Mommy has invited me home for Easter holiday.

Xena: Really? That’s great! You’ll get to meet my big sister Lucy and, and (quietly) you might like her…more than you like me… and then… No, no, Ludwig, you wouldn’t like it at my house at all! Not at all! Lucy might eat you. You’ve gotta tell Mommy you can’t come. But that would be rude, lovely Prinzessin. You must not ask me to do that.

A few minutes later…

Xena: So this is my car, Herr Ludwig. It’s name is T-Lex after my Angel Sister Lexi. It goes really fast, but you mustn’t be afraid. You can look out the windows and see other cars and people and buildings and all kinds of stuff.

This is fun, Prinzessin Xena. I would like to have a T-Lex also.  It is wunderbar.

Xena: Ludwig, wake up! We’re almost home.

Xena: First the important stuff. This is the toy basket. Those are my toys. Understand? My toys.I have no need of toys, beautiful Xena. After all, I have you.

Lucy: Who is your friend, Xena? Can I play with him?

Xena: No! Er, I mean, I’m showing Ludwig around, so please don’t bother us right now. Why don’t you go see if our supper is ready? And ask Mommy to set a place for Ludwig, too.

 

3 hours later…

Xena: What am I gonna do, Lucy?I don’t know, Xena. He’s your problem. You brought him home and told me to stay away from him. All I know is this is my bed and you can’t sleep here.

I am Xena, the Schnauzer Warrior Princess with nowhere to lay my head.

Ludwig’s New Friend

Prinzessin Xena… my love? Prinzessin? Ahhh, she sleeps soundly. Hmmm.

And shortly….

My new friend…what is your name?

Now I will not be lonely while I guard die Herrin’s printer.

A Happy Ending or The Cruel Cut

I am so very happy to see you again my Prinzessin Xena.

Why are you back Ludwig. Didn’t Mommy tell you to stay away from me? Come any closer and I will bite your face again.

All the face-biting in the world will not keep me from you, beautiful one. If that is what I must endure to be close to you, then so sei es. You truly are a Warrior Prinzessin.

Well, I won’t be your girlfriend. I want to keep my options open. My Guardian Angel Lexi told me she was almost 12 years old before she got a boyfriend. She had her career to think about and couldn’t be distracted. She was a famous actress, you know. I might be famous at something someday too. And besides, how do I know it’s safe to be around you? You certainly haven’t been behaving yourself.

No need to worry about that any more, my lovely one. The Mommy had that problem “fixed.”

This is Xena the Schnauzer Warrior Princess with a safe new friend.

Ludwig Returns

Ludwig! What are you doing here?I only wish to see you again, meine Prinzessin.  I look longingly on your beautiful face. May I stay and speak with you?Well, I guess that won’t hurt anything, especially since I’m done with my special big girl time.

I know this is true. I no longer smell that about you, Meine wunderschöne Prinzessin. *clears throat* It would make me so very happy to get a kiss. Just ein kleiner on my cheek?Like that, Herr Ludwig?

Now what are you doing? Bear! Stop the scoundrel from getting in my bed!

Ludwig! How did you get over there so fast?Please, meine Prinzessin Xena, I mean you no harm. Even a fierce bear cannot keep me from your love. I must kiss your sweet lips.To be continued…

Introducing Ludwig

Good day. I am Ludwig and I have come to live with Frau Amy and Fraulein Xena at this glorious cathedral of Heilige Luke.  During the night when no one else is here I am guarding this valuable printing machine of Frau Amy. Today, however, I decided it was time to meet the little Prinzessin Xena.

Greetings, Prinzessin Xena. Herr Ludwig at your service.

Mommy! What or who is this?

But I told you, Fraulein, it is I, Ludwig.

Who are you really? Why do you talk funny? Why are you in my office? Sprechen!

You are even more beautiful from here, young Welpe. Ich liebe dich.

Come closer, lover boy….

…gotcha!

After a narrow rescue from a potentially deadly encounter, Ludwig has wisely determined it is best to admire the Frauline from afar.

*sigh*